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Chicago's Finest

Well, I was bored so I decided to joke around a little on my ex's formspring. Just leaving her random stuff and shit. I didn't say anything threatening at all, the worst thing I said to her was that I'm better than her, and she, jumping to conclusions, starts to talk shit about my family, as if she knows 100 percent that it was me. The fact that she had to resort to that just automatically justifies the fact that I truly am better than her and she is the fucking pathetic one. I'm not going to lie though, the moment I saw that, however, I was immediately transported to freshman year, and how badly I actually wanted to kill her. But those feelings quickly subsided, because I just know that I am better than that.

It should make sense, however, if I mention how this all began.

Like a month or two ago, she randomly messages me asking for closure because we hadn't talked for so long because of the shit that happened our freshman year. I honestly didn't want to talk to her because she brings back a very dark part of my life that I want to forget about in every way, shape, and form. I didn't want to be an asshole about it because I left those days behind me, though, so I was just like, yeah, okay, I'll think about it. No harsh words were spoken. Her trying to come back in my life was probably the worst mistake she could have ever made.

Right now, I'm just glad I didn't stoop myself as low as her and started talking shit right back. I'm glad I finally know who is the mature one and who isn't; who changed and who hasn't. I really am a much better person than her, and I'm not even saying that to be a conceited asshole about it, I finally have evidence now.

Above all, I'm glad I have somebody who is MUCH better than her in every single fucking way, and I mean EVERY single way. Someone that isn't a god damn control freak, someone that loves me for me and doesn't want to change me, somebody who is actually beautiful inside AND out. My ex was not beautiful in any way, inside nor out (and she still isn't). I'm glad me and my ex never got as intimate as me and Janisha, because I would have definitely regretted it. I'm glad I lost my virginity to her and not my ex.

I'm glad I'm nothing like you.

Jul. 14th, 2010

Well, yesterday my girlfriend brought up the idea of taking a break. Not on our relationship, but on the sex. We're not going to have sex for an entire month.

As much as I love our sex, I think she's right. Every time she comes over, which is every couple of days, say one or two days, and I mean every time, we have sex. Neither one of us want our relationship to be held together only by sex. I mean, we did have sex yesterday, and at least for me, it was without a doubt the best sex I've had with her so far, but after that, we actually cuddled and watched TV together, something we don't do too often. It was really nice and I actually felt a sense of warmth while she was holding me and playing with my hair. We both cried yesterday because it just made us think how strong the attraction to each other is and how we love each other so much that it hurts.

I'm scared, though. As much as I think Janisha is right about the whole break from sex thing, I'm afraid that I will experience some sort of withdrawal. Of course I'll never even think about cheating on her; even if I feel so deprived, I will still never see myself having sex with anybody but her. I'm not saying this will happen for sure, but I am just getting paranoid again.



Friday is going to be 5 months <3
Have you ever felt as if you were just fucking worthless? Have you ever felt as if you wished for nothing more than to be wiped off the face of the universe forever, without a trace, just so you don't have to bring misfortunes into anybody else's life? Right now, I can honestly say I wish I was dead.

Do you know how absolutely horrible it feels when the one you love most never tells you her problems when she's down, and when she finally does one time, you have just one fucking chance to prove yourself, but you make everything worse? You just have to open your dumb fucking mouth and say the dumbest things?

WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP!!!!

Sometimes I think my life is like a fucking Hatebreed song. "How can I help you if I can't even help myself" blah blah blah bullshit. Because that's honestly how I feel all the time, especially right now. I would honestly kill for my girlfriend, I would die for my girlfriend. But when I fail at cheering her up, I feel like dying for her in the sense that I would never have to plague her with my shitty advice ever again.

"Just hang in there." WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?

She doesn't deserve to be with somebody like me. In reality, however, she's all I fucking have. She's all I fucking want. If I don't have her, the rest of humanity is fucking dirt to me. I am fucking dirt to myself.

I am not good at anything. I am not good at being a boyfriend, I am not good at any type of job, I am certainly not good at being a shoulder to cry on, I am just hopeless. Hopeless is what I am, and hopeless is what I shall forever be.

This will be the bane of my fucking existence.

Reckoner

I love my girlfriend more than anything in the world. She's by far the most amazing girlfriend I've ever had.

Though I am really sad.

She's leaving for college in September. This is the fucking second time this happens to me, someone I'm really interested in leaves me. I think she still wants to stay with me though, even through the distance. She says it will only be a year. I'm so fucking scared, though. I'd do anything for her to stay. I'd kill for her to stay. I'd die for her to stay. I'm so scared that she'll find someone better up there in the Carolinas, and there are lot of beautiful people up there, I'd know. If I could keep my hope in Stephanie for the practically two years she was in Brazil, still loving Janisha for a year shouldn't be too hard. But, in reality, it's much harder. I'd be crying every single fucking day. She's already so close to my heart, closer than so many others, that I'd be absolutely broken. I'm so scared to say that I am actually in love with Janisha, but I think I may be. I want to stay with her, even though we may be complete opposites on some aspects.

I hate my bad luck.

Family Tree Burning

Why do I expect so much?

I wish I didn't have to get sad over the smallest fucking thing. Yet, no matter how much I wish I didn't, I still do.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so sensitive.

I wish I wasn't so pessimistic.

I wish I didn't stress over the smallest thing.

Slit Wrist Savior

It's been the longest time since I last said the words, "I love my life" and actually mean it. Though, since Tuesday, I finally can again. Tuesday was the day I asked Janisha to be my girlfriend. She said yes. I truly feel as if the pain I've been going through for the longest time is finally going away. We went to the beach after school the day after and it was so amazing. We spent a good hour laying in the sand, cuddling, and kissing. Kissing her sober feels so much more amazing than kissing her drunk. <3 She's the first girlfriend in 4 years that is actually older than me. I'm a junior and she's a senior. She doesn't mind, I'm guessing, judging by the fact that she's going out with me. She's amazing. I hope we can last for a long time. Tuesday was just an amazing day overall. I also saw Emmure that day. FUCKING AMAZING SHOW. I threw down and everything, got some merch too. Every band that played that night kicked major ass. I'm now leaving Tampa as we speak. Me and the guitar quartet had evaluations earlier today. We left the day before at 2 PM, during school. Note that yesterday was another amazing day. Even though a lot of people were sad because this kid Gus got killed the day before, I didn't find any low points of the day. I got to miss all my classes to practice my music and fuck around, and I got to see Janisha at her lunch since we have different lunches but I wasn't doing anything important that period either so I just went to both lunches yesterday. I love my life. <3
Maybe Valentine's Day won't bas as bad as I first presumed.

Janisha asked me what I was doing that day and asked me if I wantd to hang. Out of all four days (Friday through Monday, since I don't have school Monday) she asked me to hang on Sunday, which means something. The thing is, I may have to go to dinner with my family, so this may or may not happen, but the fact that she asked me to do something on that specific day makes me feel hopeful that something may happen. Maybe not now, but in the near future. =]

The thing is, I'm still confused.

There is still part of me that still can't get over Lucy. The truth is, I would still absolutely love to be with her. She apparently got me a rose on Friday for our school's rose sale, but I never recieved it. She was the only one I know of who got me a rose. I mean I'm accepting her as a friend and I still have casual talks with her, but I still can't get over her. It's just everything about her that is so amazing.

I'm going to see Emmure on Tuesday. Excited.

Final Hour

I'm deciding to give up on her. If she doesn't want me, it's her loss. I'm not going to keep torturing myself like this anymore. This isn't going to be another Stephanie, where I spend all my time on one person, fucking killing myself more and more every day, when I could be finding others. I realy did love her, and that was my mistake. I shouldn't have loved her. I should have just given up.

I know she'll realize soon enough, however.

The mistake wasn't just mine.

Trust

Well, it's official.

I can't fall in love.

All it will do is fuck me up in ways unimaginable.

You Got A Henna Tattoo That Said Forever

So, we made up for the second time. Three weeks and already two fights, and we aren't even dating. We're made for each other.

God fucking shit...I'm crazy. Crazy for her. Yet, I can't have her, and you have no idea how much it hurts. I'm still trying to be optimistic because even though she's dating someone, I still have a feeling that she may be the one to finally make me complete again. I'm just such a jealous and pessimistic guy so on top of me wallowing in jealousy, I constantly brace myself for the worst. I've just had such bad luck for so long, and this is the first girl who has shown at least a little bit of interest in me back in over two fucking years. And she's fucking gorgeous. I'm entranced by her beauty.

Fuck my life.

Side note: the Super Bowl is dumb as fuck.